Eyeing my reflection in the mirror and hearing myself repeat this one statement over and over again one night, was strange but ended up being a total eye opener. “My name is Tashauna and I’m a perfectionist”. (Perfectionism, is defined as a disposition to regard anything short of perfection as unacceptable.) Hearing myself verbalize such a bold statement was an eye opener for me because, I am and have always been at times my own worst enemy. Growing up I had never really put too much pressure on myself from the standpoint of how others viewed me, it was how I viewed myself that was key. It was around this time that I had come to the realization, that I could willingly and openly accept everyone else’s short comings however, accepting my own was out of the question. Failing for me was absolutely not an option. If things looked like they were going to fail, I would abandon ship or change course so that I “technically” didn’t fail at whatever I was attempting to do, I just “changed” my mind mid-course. (Read Running-Overcoming the Spirit of Fear).
This obsession I had with perfectionism would even at times make my relationship with God a source of stress for me (weird I know). During that time, I put a lot of pressure on myself to walk, talk and dress a certain way and if I didn’t, I felt like I had somehow failed God. From adolescence well into adulthood I always felt like God’s forgiveness was for everyone else, but me. Like my wrongdoings would somehow exempt me from receiving God’s continued grace and mercy. Now please understand that I have always loved God, from the time I was seven years old and started reading God’s word for myself, I’ve always felt a connection to him. Truth be told, he made his purpose for me very clear a long time ago. (While still an adolescent and much to my mothers shock, I gave my life to the Lord during an altar call one Sunday.) But this one crazy thought that I could never shake, caused me to live in a constant state of “maybe I’m not worthy”.
“We love because He first loved us”. 1 John 4:19 (New International Version)
This thought of somehow not being worthy had even attempted to affect how I interacted with my children. I remember being very pregnant with my youngest child at a really powerful women’s conference that my church was having and the pastor either told us to pray for one another or asked the ministers to pray over people. Well one of the ministers of the church (who I knew only because we sat behind her every Sunday) turned around and started praying for me. I remember her saying, “Please Lord let her know that she’s not lacking, she is enough. She has what it takes to raise these kids by herself”. I’m a pretty introverted person and I don’t talk to people I don’t know and honestly, it’s difficult for me to share my personal thoughts with many people I do know. So for her to speak that over my life and my unborn child spoke volumes. I knew it had come from God, there’s no other way she could have known that I was unsure about being on this uncharted path that I had chosen to take on alone.
“…being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Philippians 1:6 (New International Version)
“My name is Tashauna and I’m a perfectionist…” For years, I allowed my perfectionists ways to cause undue stress and at times it has chipped away at my self-confidence and even my self-worth.
“My name is Tashauna and I’m a perfectionist but…” I realized that my perfectionism was just another way for fear to hold me hostage.
“My name is Tashauna and I’m a perfectionist but…” Not Anymore!
Why?…
Because “My name is Tashauna and I’m a perfectionist but…God loves me anyway!” And with that love comes forgiveness, grace and everlasting mercy. Don’t become a prisoner to your thoughts. It’s just another way for fear and self-doubt to stop you from becoming who God says that you are. As my former pastor would say,” Get rid of that stinking thinking” and walk in God’s grace! ~Tashauna
Want to know what steps I took to Conquer the Spirit of Unworthiness? Check out my eBook You’re Already Worthy! 5 Key Steps to Conquering the Spirit of Unworthiness.
31 What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all – how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 33 Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 34 Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died – more than that, who raised to life – is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? Romans 3:31-35 (New International Version)
Powerful
Thank you for sharing. … I am a perfectionist also. It’s almost as if you wrote down what was exactly in my head. I am trying to learn to be loved even when I fail myself and don’t feel I am worthy of it. Thank you again
Your welcome. It’s my hope that by sharing my struggles it can encourage others who may be going through the same experiences. When you start feeling those thoughts of Unworthiness, start speaking a word over yourself. I am an Overcomer, Nothing can separate me from the love of God… etc. Get a few scriptures that you can use in those rough moments. Know that we all fall short, but God loves us in spite of. Thank you for reading my posts.